Sorry Aro, my peeps are sick people. But they're funny as hell

After we went through a crazy temple, attacked an angel, then reasoned with it, we head back into town not sure what to do next. Dwarven Bard (DB) suggests he communes with his god.

DM: Ok, do you have the proper materials?
DB: I'm going to go to a school for boys, charm the middlest aged boy
DM: Ok, then what?
DB: Sodomize him. Repeatedly. For an hour.
DM: *laughs* You sick [son of a biscuit eater]
DB: What? It's perfectly reasonable to do that
DM: Ok, you communed with your god what do you ask?
DB: Can I sodomize goats instead?
DM: No.
DB: What now?
DM: You should probably look around town for an inn and seek help there.
DB: But everyone here is dead.
DM: Well shit, I'm not some encyclopedia, go find your own answers

that all basically sums up our progress over the course of 1 9 hour session

Another time, we had 2 elves, a dancing dwarven bard (straight up bard) with a band, and some crazy druid with a bear for a friend. Now, I was an elf, and DM says, "You hear a noise behind you, do you want to look back?

Me: Sure
DM: Roll a d20
Me: *rolls a 1*
DM: You get hit in the face, the jaw, with an axe and take *rolls* 14 damage
Me: Shit

my elven partner attacks the lvl 1 gnoll (we're all lvl 3) he rolls a 1 fumbles, losing his sword

Dwarven bard (DB): I wanna flying jump kick him
DM: Ok, roll
DB: *rolls a 3*
Me: I'm getting up
DM: Unfortunately, you get up right as the bard flying kicks the gnoll, flying kicking YOU into the gnoll, dealing you...14 damage.
Me: Knocked unconscious already after 3 minutes X(
DB: did I hurt the gnoll?
DM: Through him, yes. 3 damage.
Druid: I'm sending my bear after him
Elf: Have I found my sword yet?
DB: I'm going to dance and make the grass grow 8 ft.
Everyone: WTF!? Why?
DB: Why not? *rolls a natural 20* YES!
DM: Grass grows 10 ft, and the elf, roll a d20
Elf: *rolls a 4*
DM: Loses the sword as he grabs it. Then, in his terror slip on a rock and hurts himself for 7 damage.
Druid: I'm going to ride my bear into battle!
DM: Ok, you get there, now what?
Druid: I want my bear to hit the gnoll
DM: Which is in the grass. Good luck finding it
DB: Can I cast a spell? I wanna cast Dancing Flames which lightens the area, might scare it out
DM: Roll
DB: *rolls a 1*
DM: So as you cast the spell, you misintentionally set the grass, you raised, on fire. Smoke fills the area, the bear is starting to get scared itself, the elf takes 4 fire damage, and the gnoll is squealing in terror. Now what?
Druid: can I cast magic missile?
DM: [DIE] YOU! ANYONE ELSE?
Me: I'm still at 0.
DM: *rolls a d20* Alright, the gnoll slips and falls, dealing 7 damage, plus 4 fire damage, killing it. *claps* good job boys, 4 lvl 3 characters, a [frollocing] bear against a [beautifully gay] lvl 1 gnoll and you all gone and [anally reemed] yourselves for 20 minutes. How do you all feel?
DB: [splendiforous]
DM: GOOD! I hope it hurt
DB: It felt great!
DM: *fumes*

http://www.katig.com/english.html

this seems like a fairly reasonable site

morale is basically this. You have 100k droids. They have 10k soldiers. You have 110% morale. You have 250 planets, they have 30. Because you're a big bully, your fleet poopoo's you and you lose more morale than normal.

I'm on facebook, but I don't advertise my presence. Except to a select few. otherwise I just torment society

"In the news today, a seventeen year veteran of the police force was executed today in Sorentine park around 1 pm. Authorities are investigating..."

Hmm, police officer shot. That can't be good. Aww man, I need to get up and get out there. Let me just move my legs and stand up. OMFG! That hurts like HELL!

"Grrrrrr."

"Detective Jones!" A nurse cried out. "You shouldn't be out of bed!"

"A cop was killed, I need to get out there and help."

"You can't go out, you'll hurt yourself, or worse, have a relapse and your lungs will collapse!"

I guess she's right. Maybe I should go back to bed before I fall down.

*FWUMP* "Ow."

"Here," she said, "Let me get you back into your bed."

*****************************

Tom had found a few leads concerning the cop's death. He looked at the crime scene and considered his options. There was a bullet case on the ground, and they were positive that it matched the bullet that killed Marcus. The coroner's office still had to do an autopsy and the investigative unit needed to confirm a few things, but he was sure they wouldn't have much problem coming to the same conclusions he had.

Tom reflected missing his old partner. He glanced at his new one and said, "Hey Dave, come over here. What do you think about this shell casing?"

"Well," replied Dave, "It's feasible this may have been the case that killed the officer."

"But..."

"But I have the sinking feeling that this isn't right..."

"Well, it's the first time you've been on the job here, so that's natural."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Let's get this to the lab and processed."

*****

Three days later, Tom arrested a suspect and dragged him to the precinct. Three hours after that, a video arrived at the police headquarters. Across town from where Marcus was killed, on a lamp post another officer, a sergeant, was hanging. A recording said, "Two down, sooooo many to go."

"Shit," said Tom.

I wonder what would happen if we went to war with russia...would we nuke each other into oblivion? Or would we act like a bunch of idiots saying, "Haha, my political opponents are still alive"

BEEP!

"Honey, are you awake yet?"

BEEP!

"Your alarm clock is going off. You'll be late for class."

BEEP!

Am I dreaming?

BEEP!

My mother walks over to me and starts telling me, "Wake up...wake up...wake up..."

"Wake up Jones, come on, wake up."

The face of my mother coalesced into the face of my partner. Lovely. Just thing I want to see when I first -- "You're awake!"

"Yeah, Tom, I am." I replied.

I glanced groggily around the room. Ah shit, another hospital room. I took in a short breath and felt like a million ants decided to bite my insides.

"Jones, you all right son?"

"Chief?"

"Yeah, I thought I'd stop in to see how you were. Doesn't do to have a detective get shot and not, at the least, stop in once. Just my luck you woke up just now though."

"Lucky me, sir." Those damn ants again.

"You're telling me-whoa! Take it easy, you got shot in the lung. You should be dead right now. More than that, we should have buried you by this point."

*Cough* "Let me guess *cough* surgery and then some over a few *cough cough* days?"

"Two weeks actually," put in Tom.

Ah hell, that means I got a lot of paperwork coming up. Ugh man, I don't want to deal with this shit right now. It's too much.

I slowly blinked my eyes, noticing the Chief and Tom talking and saying goodbye. I nodded and slowly nodded off. Perhaps I should take it easy. *Yawn* eeeaasssyyyy...yesssszzzzzzz

BEEP!

*******************************

Marcus felt great. It was warm, sunny and a fresh day. Too nice to drive, so he walked on foot around his patrol perimeter. Marcus was a tough veteran; he'd been on the force for seventeen years. In that time he'd garnered several medals and citations. Neither was he afraid of charging headlong into danger. No sir, Marcus wasn't afraid of much, but neither was he proud of his accomplishments. Marcus didn't really care about all the medals or media attention; it didn't mean much to him. Nor did it mean much to the sniper who put a bullet through Marcus' head.

BAM! BAM! Ping! I quickly ducked behind some trash cans to dodge a few bullets fired at me. I looked back behind me to check if I my support had arrived yet. No luck. I fired a few rounds over my cover and dove across the way to a better vantage point

I thought this was about the movie