hmm

wasn't that written by variety hour?

he might have it but he doesn't really visit often

I remember that thread having upwards 300 posts

load it up somewhere forthe man

This guy called kingbagbuss (the title of this topic may not be working...) once wrote several episodes of Jokemon, a story made to annoy pokemon fans. After the controversial episode 3 got banned (what else rhymes with tentacool?) he gave the thing to me, to post as I like.

***

(Please note, dash is instead of ash, Punkachu is a pikachu and purry is instead of meowth)

Dash Ketchup and punkachu are walking along a road when they see a sign...
Dash: Lake of Rage 12 miles? sounds interesting...
Punkachu: Punka punka!!!
And so our heros head off on a long 21 mile hike until...
Dash: ow! who put this rake here???
An old man at the side of the road answers him
Old man: Its the Rake of Lage!
Dash: Isn't it Lake of Rage?
Old Man: Those punk kids have messed up my sign again! Wait a second, they're over there
Suddenly the team rocket music starts...
1: To infect the world with constipation!
2:To ignite all people within the nation!
1:To denounce the evil of Super Glue!
2:To extend our reach beyond the moon!
1:Nessy!
2:Insane!
Nessy:Team sprocket blast themselves into a land mine!
Insane:Surrender now or prepare to... ermmm... LINE!
Purry: Purry, thats fine!

To be continued...

***

Now continuing...

Episode 2:
Dash and Punkachu reach Stone city, famous for its Rock Jokemon

Dash: Theres the rock gym! Lets try and win a badge!

Punkachu: Punka Punka!

They walk into the Rock gym and see lots of guitars. They hear lots of singing coming from the Jokemon trainers inside.

Trainer 1: ROCKS! Its what were all about...

Trainer 2: Sweet Jokemon of mine...
One of the other trainers walks up to them

Trainer 3: I am Brick, Master of Rock (plays air guitar). You must beat me in a One on one Jokemon battle! Feel the wrath of the ultimate Rock Jokemon... OZZY!

He throws a Jokeball which opens up to reveal Ozzy Osborne.

Ozzy: What the **** am I doing here!? SHARON!!!

Ozzy runs out the door

Brick: I guess you win by default. Have your irregular-shaped pebble badge.

He hands Dash the badge

Brick: Now I will follow you in an annoying manner for the next few episodes

Dash: Why?

Brick: Because we need more characters in the series

Dash: Lets go then

Dash walks out of the door and Brick walks into a wall.

Brick: OW!

Dash: Why are your eyes always closed?

Brick: Because the animators were on strike when I was drawn.
END OF PART 2

***

I have also been given the power to write new episodes. If anyone thinks these are good, say so and I may acquire the later episodes (and write a few myself).

And now...
Episode 3

SCENE; Dash, Brick and Punkachu are heading to Kindabluish city.

Dash: So, what kind of Jokemon do they use at the next gym?

Brick: How would I know? And what idiot would have some kind of fight to the death in a gym? Why not a huge arena where we can all gather to scream for the kill!

Dash: Okay then...

They walk on for a while, entering the city...

Brick: Before we go to the gym, we need to go somewhere else.

Dash: Where? The Jokemon centre?

Brick: Something like that...

CUT TO; Dash and Brick in a pub, quite obviously drunk. They stagger out of the door, talking loudly.

Brick: So, do you want to go to the gym now?

Dash: Sure, so long as Team Sprockett don't try and attack us...

The opening bars of the Team Sprockett song can be heard...

Dash: Oh shut up!

The music dies down. Dash and Brick head towards the gym, conveniently next to the police station.

Dash: Alright, lets go in!

They stagger into the police station by accident. Brick is now singing "Cop Killa" at the top of his voice.

Dash: Alright, we want a fight!

The police officers (who all, for some reason, look exactly the same as each other) promptly arrest Dash and Brick.

Next morning, Dash and Brick are let out of the police station. They stagger off to the gym.

Dash: Okay, we're here for a fight!

A couple of Jokemon trainers run over and break Dash's legs.

Dash: ARRGGGHHH! I meant a Jokemon battle!

Trainer: (shouting) Oh. Sorry about that. Foggy! Someone wants a fight!

Foggy: (offscreen) Break his legs then!

Trainer: A Jokemon battle!

Foggy: (offscreen) Okay then!

Foggy comes onto screen.

Foggy: Okay then. Lets start! Go, Testacool!

The jokemon mentioned there will not be described for morality reasons. Suffice to say, use your imagination...

Dash: Go, Punkachu!

Punkachu: Punka!

Punkachu electrocutes Testacool with a taser (probably stolen off the police earlier). Punkachu wins this round.

Foggy: Alright then. Go, **** You!

Dash: Hey, I never did anything to you!

Foggy: That's it's name, you moron! Check your Jokedex!

Dash gets out his Jokedex, and looks up the entry.

Jokedex: **** You...

Dash smashes the jokedex.

Dash: Stupid thing! Punkachu, use your Thunderstruck attack!

AC/DC appear and kill **** You.

Dash: Yes! I win!

Foggy: Not yet! Go, **** Me!

Brick: Okay then!

Brick pulls down his trousers, but is kicked by Foggy.

Dash: Punkachu, use your Body Slam!

Punkachu: Punka! You fight 'em yourself! I've been fighting for 3 episodes and you never use anyone else! Bugger this, I'm off to the pub!

Dash: Uh... go, Catererspie!

A horrible looking pie appears. **** Me tries to eat it, but chokes to death, leaving Dash the winner of this fight.

Dash: Yes, I won!

Foggy: And for winning, you recieve the pool of piss badge! Sure, it smells terrible and no sane person would want it, but you can have it! Now I will follow you for a few episodes!

Dash: Why?

Foggy: Because there is a great bit in episode 4 when... oops, nearly gave it away!

And so our idiotic heroes continue on their quest, not knowing that the dark lord satan is going to leap out any moment and devour them. Whoops, wrong story...

See you next episode!

This episode was sponsored by:
King Bagbuss and the Association of beer drinking dynamite users
An evil terrorist group
The letters L, S and D
The number six hundred and sixty six (cue starting riff from "number of the beast"

Episode 4: (Please note: LT surge should be pronounced El tee surge for the purposes of this episode. And, for anyone wondering, episode 1 is out of sequence with the others, episode 3 was originally skipped and episode 4 was only half written. This means that only episode 2 makes any kind of sense.)

SCENE: Dash, Punkachu and Foggy are walking past a sign that says "Welcome to Fairlybrightyellow City!". They realise Brick is missing.

Dash: where did Brick go anyway?

The camera zooms slowly towards a building behind them, going through the window and focussing on Brick, dressed as Abraham Lincoln.

Brick: Gay bar, gay bar, gay bar...

The camera goes back to Foggy.

Foggy: He's probably at the Jokemon Centre.

Dash: Well, lets go to the Gym and fight the Gym Leader. Who is it anyway?

Foggy: I can't remember his name, but they say he was in the army.

Dash: Well, Punkachu can defeat him no matter who he is.

Punkachu mutters something about Dash being an ungrateful (insert insult here).

They go into the Gym, and see a guy in full army uniform.

Dash: Hello, I'm Dash Ketchup. Who are you?

Cheesy rap music can be heard in the background.

Army Guy: I'm L.T Surge and I'm here to say, I'm the surginest guy in the USA
PIKACHU! PIKACHU! PU-PU-PIKACHU!
YO! BLING BLING!

Dash: Umm... well, lets have a Jokemon Battle! Go, Punkachu!

LT Surge: Go, Pimpachu!

Pimpachu resembles a Raichu from Pokemon, but is wearing a hat with a feather in it, has a fur coat on, has a necklace with a dollar medallion on it and is holding a stick. There are 2 women beside him.

Pimpachu: Bling!

Dash: What's that?

Dash gets out his Jokedex, then realises that he smashed it in the last episode and borrows foggys one. He points it at Pimpachu.

Jokedex: Pimpachu, a playa Jokemon. An evolved version of Punkachu. He is known for his Rap attack, and his Bling ability is powerful.

Dash: Punkachu, attack him!

Punkachu, who is smoking something of dubious origin, looks at the superpowerful Pimpachu and...

Punkachu: If you want me to fight him, you must be smoking something better than me!

LT Surge: Pimpachu, use your Rap!

Pimpachu starts singing.

Pimpachu: You won't get an apple outta me, 'cos I'm a muthaf***ing P.I.M.P... achu.

Punkachu covers his ears with his hands to block out the sound, but Pimpachu beats him up with a stick. Punkachu falls unconscious.

Dash: No! Now I'm gonna faint for no reason, lose half my money and appear in a hospital!

Dash faints, appears in a hospital and gets half his money stolen by a doctor, who is also seen raiding the drugs cabinet for medicinal marijuana.

Narrator: So that's where all the money goes! I was wondering about that!

Dash wakes up, and Foggy and Punkachu come into the room, along with a nurse.

Nurse: Hello, I'm nurse Suicidal Depression. Yes, my parents smoked pot. Foggy told me how you lost your fight, but I have something that could help...

She brings out a shiny stone, shaped like a Dollar sign.

Dash: Wow, a bling stone! Lets give it to Punkachu and beat up Pimpachu!

Foggy: But think about the moral implications...

Dash is ignoring her and trying to get Punkachu to take the stone. Punkachu resists all attempts to do so.

Dash: Why are you stopping me? Do you have a plan or something?

Punkachu: Punka! *Whisper Whisper*

Dash: What kind of plan is *Whisper Whisper*? Oh, I get it. That was you whispering. Alright, we'll try your plan.

Dash, Foggy and Punkachu come into Gym.

Dash: Alright, we want a rematch! Go, Punkachu!

LT Surge: Pimpachu! Beat him again!

Pimpachu gets his stick and raises it to hit Punkachu but then...
Punkachu pulls an AK-47 out and fills Pimpachu with lead. He proceeds to kill LT Surge then steals all his money. Dash picks up the ironically named plunder badge.

Dash: Yes! I won this fairly! Now lets run before the cops catch up!

They leap out of a window into badly parked car and drive towards Potsville, and their next Gyme Bottle. The story woll continum nexx wook, ar passublie saunorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... (Feel the power of badly written endings!)

This Political Broadcast brought to you by:
The Mafia Party, vote for us and no one gets hurt.

More? Well, this time I'll write an entirely new one.

Episode 5:

SCENE: Dash, Foggy and Punkachu are in the car, driving to Potsville, the city of Grass Jokemon.

Dash: We better go to the Jokemon centre, Punkachu looks really depressed.

Foggy: Why? Is he vomiting? Is he hurt?

Dash: No, he's out of pot.

They get out of the car, and go into the Jokemon centre, where they meet a nurse.

Nurse: Hello, I'm Nurse Depression!

Dash: Weren't you in Fairlybrightyellow City?

Nurse: No, that was my identical sister. My name is Manic Depression.

Dash: So you have sisters in every city?

Nurse: No, just the 2 of us. Anyway, your friend Brick came in here a while ago.

Dash: Well, we're here because Punkachu needs drugs and I'm distracting you whilst Foggy gets them. How did you know that I knew Brick?

Nurse: I read the script. Well, you better go and fight the Gym leader, because Brick is at the Gym along with him.

Dash goes out of the centre, followed by Punkachu (who is smoking something) and Foggy (who is carrying the stuff she stole). They head to the Gym when...

Dash: Oh no! It's Barry, my evil arch nemesis!

Barry is in a solid gold limousine, is surrounded by women and has a marching band in front of him.

Barry: Hello Dash! I'm almost ready to taken on the Really Powerful Quartet, the greatest trainers in the world!

Dash: Shut up you idiot! You're not as good as me!

Barry: You're only jealous because you got that Punkachu and I got Charliemansonder! I would fight you know, but I've got to pretend to know celebritys to get into parties. Bye, loser!

He drives off, leaving nothing but memories and a catchy yet annoying theme tune.

Dash: lets go into the gym!

They go into the gym, which is filled with green smoke and stoned looking trainers. Brick is already there, and the Gym Leader, Smokey McPott (I couldn't think of a good joke for this gym leader...), approaches them.

Smokey: Ah, you want a Jokemon battle? Go, Bongasaur!

Bongasaur resembles a Bulbasaur, but with a cannabis leaf on his back.

Dash: Go, Punkachu!

Punkachu jumps forward to fight.

Smokey: Bongasaur! Use your Trippy leaf attack!

Bongasaur shoots razor sharp cannabis leafs at punkachu, who dodges with matrix style jumps.

Dash: Punkachu! Use your Tackle attack!

Punkachu throws fishing tackle at Bongasaur.

Smokey: Use your smokescreen!

Bongasaur opens his mouth and smoke comes out. Punkachu inhales some and starts smiling and staggering around.

Dash: Punkachu! Stop staggering around and use your slash attack!

Slash (from guns and roses, velvet revolver or whatever he's in now) appears and beats up Bongasaur. Ozzy osbourne wanders in.

Ozzy: What the ****! This script makes no sense!

Slash: Hey Ozzy, what are you doing here? Lets go to the pub!

They leave for the pub, and leave Bongasaur unconscious.

Dash: Yes! I won, and I didn't have to resort to killing the gym leader!

Smokey: Congratulations! You have won the Bong Badge! This gives you the ability to use the "Get High" attack out of battles!

Dash: Alright then everyone! Let's go, to Stone City!

Foggy: But we already went there!

Dash: Well lets just go to the next city then!

And so this episode ends, and I can't remember which Gym is next...

This episode brought to you by:
A drunken loony we robbed before writing this. We took his wallet.

PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUESTION: Should I write an episode explaining how Dash got Punkachu?

Here it is, the long awaited episode 6.
Episode 6:

Dash, Foggy, Brick and Punkachu are walking through a forest. Team Sprockett (Nessie and Insane) are talking as they are hidden in the trees.

Nessie: We need a plan to capture that punkachu!

Insane: Why are we trying to get it anyway?

Nessie: Uhh... good point. Lets read the script...

Nessie and Insane read a book entitled "Jokemon: Episodes 1 to 6". They look interested at what some of it says.

Nessie: Wow, Punkachu is carrying a stash of drugs! Also, the writer can't remember what he was actually going to make us do! Lets just throw a net over them!

Nessie and Insane throw a huge net over Dash and his friends. They struggle to get out.

Dash: Oh no! I am trapped in this weak, low quality net! Wait, is this liquorice! I'll just eat it!

Dash eats the net, then continues on the road with his friends. Team Sprockett go back into the trees.

Nessie: Why did we buy our net from a sweet shop?

Insane: Budget cuts and poor scripting, I guess.

Nessie: Well, lets just shoot them all!

Nessie gets out a shotgun.

Insane: You can't do that! This is a cartoon of a childrens game!

Nessie: You keep talking about this like it's a stupid joke on a crappy website!

They look towards the screen.

Nessie: anyway, lets shoot at them!

Nessie fires wildly into the trees and fails to hit any of Dash's friends.

Insane: Well that was a waste! All we hit was Bigfoot and a couple of Leprachauns. Nothing valuable whatsoever.

Purry appears out of the bushes.

Purry: I have a cunning plan. We need a dress, 2 guitars and a car-crusher...

Insane: I've got all that in my bag!

Ten minutes later. Nessie is dressed as Kurt Cobain, Insane is dresses as Courtney Love. there is a large, barely disguised pit. A car crusher is visible in it.
Dash walks out onto the path nearby, and sees Team Sprockett.

Insane (shouting in a high voice): Hey, we need a drummer for our band! Come over here!

Dash: I've always wanted to be in a band!

Dash runs towards them, until he is on the pit when he realises...

Dash: Wait, Kurt Cobain is dead! And Courtney Love is crap! And where's Dave Grohl!

Dash falls into the pit, screaming. Nessie grabs Punkachu and runs off. The Car Crusher activates, but Dash climbs out. He looks around for Brick and Foggy. Seeing they aren't there...

Dash: Oh no! I'll never find him on my own! I remember the day that I got Punkachu...

The scene melts away to a lab owned by Proffessor Bloke, who somewhat resembles chef from south park. Barry and Dash are standing in the lab with Proffessor Bloke.

Bloke: Now today is an important day. National Jokemon researchers day! Give me presents and some money! Oh, and you begin Jokemon training today. You must choose from the three starting Jokemon. Charliemansonder, who is an exact copy of the psycopathic acid-munching-hippie murderer (albeit one tenth his size). Bongasaur, who is a cheap supply of drugs. And of course Kurtle, who shoots himself. As a proffessional, I will show no favour towards either of you. Barry will pick first.

Barry: Thanks dad! I choose Charliemansonder!

He takes the jokemon and leaves.

Dash: alright, I'll take Bongasaur!

Bloke: Well actually, I lied when I said you could choose from them. I sold the other 2 on the black market for booze money. Here, have Punkachu instead.

Punkachu comes in and jumps playfully at Dash.

Dash: Wow, this Jokemon's great! When will he stop chewing my groin though? It is rather painful.

Bloke: Don't worry, when he does that he likes you. If he didn't, he would have already swallowed.

Dash goes out to begin his journey to the first Jokemon gym. He is about halfway there when Proffessor Bloke flies down in a helicopter. He is wearing a clown suit and juggling some fish bowls.

Dash: Proffessor! What are you doing here? I don't remember this happening at all!

Bloke: I'm here to tell you something!

Dash: What is it?

Bloke: It's really gonna piss you off!

Dash: WHAT?

Bloke: Trust me, you don't wanna know...

Dash: TELL ME!

Bloke: This is all a dream! You're still in that car crusher!

Dash: OH F***!

Narrator: And so, to be a complete asshole, the episode ends here! Suckers!

The Narrator drives off in a limo. The credits roll. The cheesy JokeRap plays. Thank you for reading! I can't decide if this is the last episode or not, so don't expect a new one for a while.

This episode sponsored by:
The international anti-drink/drive association. Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your pint on corners!

I really shouldn't have drunk that chilli flavoured drink...
Finally, I have written episode 7. Well actually, I stole a huge bit of it from Star wars episode 1, explaining the bad scripting.

thanks Hoitash, how many chapters/episodes were there?

i love pok

Man, I haven't posted on this site in, what, two years (and I haven't played the actual game attached in upwards of four)?  And even then I was kind of on the verge of a breakdown.  I can't believe people actually still want to read this garbage.  Well, since I'm here, may as well add to the topic.
I do still have every Jokemon and Variety Hour episode saved on my old flash drive, but mostly so I can look back at them and say "at least I'm not THAT bad anymore".  Most of the jokes were ripped off from other things - the ones that weren't are so surreal I have no idea what I was thinking when I was writing them.
Incidentally, there are 20 listed Jokemon episodes in the first series, plus the 2 from the hastily aborted second season.  Admittedly 1,2,3 and 4,5,6 are short enough that I kind of combined them, 12 technically doesn't exist and there are two episode 16s, so maybe that's why you're getting 17.  I'm pretty sure Hoitash did archive them all last time, but if he's missing any I'll be happy to give him the rest so that others may learn from my mistakes.  Just post the episode numbers you're missing, if any. 
I'll reiterate something I think I said in the original thread: If anyone is weird enough to actually want to continue/modify Jokemon, they can go right ahead.  You really can't do worse than I did.

And now I return, to the sweet embrace of the crypt.

I don't get it

god its been soo long since i saw these jokeamon stories on IC, that takes me back