Well, I was on my way to [anal seapage] class today, and I was wearing sandals because I wasn't a pussy.  I mean, vaginas are nice and all, but that's just not who I am.  Nor am I a penis.  But I made this asinine decision, however shitty it was.  Of course, I step in every [semen] puddle.  Every damn one of those cocksuckers!  Pissed me off, [like a happy banana].  I was a turd throw away from pissing myself in [an interesting form of clown] rage. 

[POoooppieeeee]!

Get to my first class.  Son of a whore!  I was late, because my slutty alarm didn't go off the second time (bastard), and the professor had just ended.  Twat!

Then I had a good day.  Didn't see any tits though .  But I didn't see any dicks either, so I'll count it as a win.

the rest of which seems to be ok in the particular context. if you were to say, refer to someone else in some of the ways in which you referred to yourself than of course they would have to be edited, but i believe it is safe to assume that you wouldnt offend yourself