A blonde in space

Three women worked at NASA. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.

They were all arguing about where they should go next. 

The redhead said that they should go to Mars. The brunette said that they should go to the moon. 

For a while they started to argue loudly. The blonde couldn't take it anymore. 

She said, "Stop it! I know where we should go." 

"Where?" they asked.

"We should go to the sun."

The other two started to laugh. 
"We would burn up before we even got there!" 

The blonde replied, "Not if we go at night. Duh!"

20 Years With Wife

20 years with my wife
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

The sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone just her and I

Her hair so soft
her eyes so blue

I knew just what she wanted to do

Her skin so soft
her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine

I didn't know how
but I tried my best
to place my hand on her breast

I remember my fear
my fast beating heart
but slowly she spread her legs apart

And when she did
I felt no shame
as all at once the white stuff came

At last it was finished
it's all over now,
my first time.... milking a cow

Proof of human stupidity

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'
. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.
11.Only in America.....Will you go to a restraunt in seaworld and ask for bandaids and get mayonnaise
EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
------------------ In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Frito's:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) (Ok, It was supposed to be translated as " to be used for intended use only" basically what it means is don't use your food processor as a wood chipper people. lol)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'START' but there is no 'STOP' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 'RE-SCOOTER' is available in system? I find only 'RE-CYCLE', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'FIND' button but it is not working  properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'MICROSOFT WORD' now he wants to learn 'MICROSOFT SENTENCE', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought COMPUTER, CPU, MOUSE and KEYBOARD, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY COMPUTER': when you will povide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY PICTURES' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'MY RECENT DOCUMENTS'. When you will provide 'MY PAST DOCUMENTS'?

9. You provide 'MY NETWORK PLACES'. For God sake please do not provide 'MY SECRET PLACES'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

10. The Last one......
Sir, how is it that your NAME is 'GATES' but you are selling WINDOWS?

Regards,
Banta

Why bring wife's photo to the office

Wife - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,

No-so-dumb blonde

One day a blonde was sitting on a plane next to one of those smart businessmen.

He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.

He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She said no again, and tried to fall asleep.

The man begged and said, "I'll give you $50 for each question, or how about $500?" At that number, the blonde agreed.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you giveme $5, and when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will payyou $500.

"Okay," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?"

She admits she doesn't know, and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she asks,
"What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the internet,emails his friends, but no one knows the answer. So he gives her$500.00.

Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"

She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5, and walks off the plane.

Early Retirement Bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."

4.. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days.
Days left 126.

Rofl

Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: What's a woman's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of saying no.

My Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like.

I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.

I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.

When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.

I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.

He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."

He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

post some jokes pls

whuz INcharGe??

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said thebrain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge,' said theblood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste a way.'

'I should be in charge,' said thestomach ,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said theeyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

  'I should be in charge,' said therectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at therectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually the one in charge!