Re: Jokes!

A woman walked onto a bus holding her baby.  The bus driver took one look at the baby and said, "THAT IS THE UGLIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!"  The woman stomped to the back of the bus and sat down next to a man and said," THAT BUS DRIVER IS THE MOST IGNORANT PERSON ON THE PLANET!!" the man replied," You should go tell him off!  here, ill hold your monkey."

In matters of style, swim with the current;
In matters of principle, stand like a rock.
                                          Thomas Jefferson

Re: Jokes!

Why is the Enterprise like toilet paper?

It circles Uranus looking for Klingons

The core joke of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is that of course no civilization would develop personal computers with instant remote database recovery, and then waste this technology to find good drinks.
Steve Jobs has ruined this joke.

Re: Jokes!

lol

Buddugoliaeth neu Marwolaeth

Re: Jokes!

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

My name is Sam Fisher
I used to be a hero - now I'm a wanted man.
I used to hunt terrorists - now I am one.
I used to take orders - now I execute them.
I've become, a Double Agent!

Re: Jokes!

Saw that one coming tongue

[i]Tommy gun

Re: Jokes!

What do a 9 volt battery and a woman's asshole have in common?







Sooner or later, your gonna stick your tongue on it!

I want a mustache ride!!!

Re: Jokes!

what has two legs and bleeds?

half a dog.

Confirmation is for sissies and altar boys.

Re: Jokes!

it's brown and sticky.

a stick!

God: Behold ye angels, I have created the ass.. Throughout the ages to come men and women shall grab hold of these and shout my name...

Re: Jokes!

What's black and white and red all over?

1st 50 yrs: A newspaper!
Last 50 yrs: A bloody nun!

The core joke of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is that of course no civilization would develop personal computers with instant remote database recovery, and then waste this technology to find good drinks.
Steve Jobs has ruined this joke.

35 (edited by =( sKoE )= 29-Mar-2008 09:20:41)

Re: Jokes!

[inappropriate]

Confirmation is for sissies and altar boys.

Re: Jokes!

A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. “Dey makes you wild at sex.”
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The Jamaican replied, “Just try dem on, Mon.” So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, “You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!”

Morbo: Morbo can't understand his teleprompter. He forgot how you say that letter that looks like a man with a hat.
Linda: It's a 't'. It goes "tuh".
Morbo: Hello, little man. I will destroy you!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpP7b2lUxVE

Re: Jokes!

what? That was inappropriate? that's like throwing down the gauntlet, aussie tongue

The core joke of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is that of course no civilization would develop personal computers with instant remote database recovery, and then waste this technology to find good drinks.
Steve Jobs has ruined this joke.

Re: Jokes!

konfutse says: a good woman will do 70 house chores. cooking and 69.

Confirmation is for sissies and altar boys.

Re: Jokes!

A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock, knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning.

I will happily ignore that he thinks, and tries to go back to sleep.

However, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife who is also awake now.

Not wanting a row he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs and opens the door to be greeted by a man standing outside.

“Hey mate,” says the stranger, “can you give me a push please?”

“You’re joking! It’s half past three in the morning. I was in bed fast asleep,” says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

“That’s charming”, she says, “Don’t you remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way home, you had to knock at that house to get help?  What would have happened if they had refused us?”

“OK, OK” he says in resignation, and gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door but can’t see the stranger anywhere.  So he shouts, “Hello, do you still want a push?”

In the distance a voice cries out, “Yes please.”

Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

“Over here, on the swings.”

~^~^~^~^~ This is my world now ~^~^~^~^~
~^~ Lemming of Prostitutes and Insanity ~^~

Re: Jokes!

A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel down his pants.

The bartender asks the obvious question.

"ARrrr!" says the seadog.  "It's drivin' me nuts!"

The core joke of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is that of course no civilization would develop personal computers with instant remote database recovery, and then waste this technology to find good drinks.
Steve Jobs has ruined this joke.