Seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,

Good one SpeedyJerry ,

Three guys are sitting at a bar. This bar isnt like most, it is built on the roof of a skyscraper. One guy looks at the other and says "wow this place is great, where else can you sit at the bar and look down 40 stories". the other guy said yea but isnt it kinda dangerous... I mean all these drunk guys walking around isnt someone likely to just trip and fall off? The thrid guy looks at the two and says "You guys like the bar, I designed it." the others look at him and ask about its safety. the designer says "no way I designed it so that if anyone falls off the edge then there are these built in suction vents that suck them back into the building after 10 stories and shoot them back up here".
The designer says see here watch. He jumps off and then gets sucked through the vents on the side of the building and gets shot back up. "see no danger". the first guy says "wow thats cool let me give it a try". so he walks to the edge of the building and jumps off...SPLAT... the designer looks at the second guy and says "no he did it wrong, let me show you". so he walks over to the edge and steps off, the vents catch him and poof hes back. the second guy agrees to try it. the designer says "remember to just step off, dont jump". the second guy steps off and SPLAT. The designer goes back to the bar and tells the bartender to pour him another scotch. The bartender looks at him and says...

"You know SUPERMAN your a real a$$-Hole when your drunk.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in
large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their
sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the
ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer.

---------------------------------

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son
praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was
praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a
heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a
coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and
Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure
enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart
attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door
the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless
Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and
went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was
fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.
She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We
found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

------------------------

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of
walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can
I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses.
This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you
want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a
hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call
the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another
tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"

----------------

Why women lie

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed, All Women

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

''Government.''

why did the lion get lost in the jungle?

JUNGLE IS MASSIVE !!!!

(uk joke)

A very attractive wench goes up t' th' bar in a
quiet rural pub.  The winsome lass gestures alluringly t' th' bartender, who comes
o'er immediately.  When he arrives, she seductively signals that he
should brin' his face closer t' hers.  When he does so, she begins t'
gently caress his full beard.

"Are ye th' admiral?" she asks, softly strokin'
his face with both hands.  Prepare to be boarded!  Fetch me spyglass! "Actually, no," th' lubber replies.  "Can ye
get that scurvey dog fer me?  Oho! I need t' speak t' that scurvey dog," she says, runnin' that comely wench hands
beyond his beard an' into his hair.  "I'm afraid I can't," breathes th'
bartender, pass the grog!  "Is thar anythin' I can do?"
"Aye, thar is.  I need ye t' give that scurvey dog a
message," she continues, slyly poppin' a couple o' that comely wench fingers into
his mouth an' allowin' that scurvey dog t' suck them gently, with a chest full of booty.

What should I tell that scurvey dog?" th' bartender manages
t' say, and dinna spare the whip, and dinna spare the whip! "Tell that scurvey dog," she whispers, "thar is no toilet paper or han'
soap in th' ladies room

undeath ye from th' uk?  if yer not then ye wont get th' joke at all ...  if ye be then well get out more

ok so this is a translation of a dutch joke. hope it turns out ok.

Little Johnny walks along a street one day, and encounters his aunt. "Where are you going Johnny?" she asks, so Johnny replies: "I'm going to the sex club auntie!" Aunt is a little shocked (little Johnny is only 8) and smacks him.

A little worried, little Johnny continues on his path, and lo and behold! He encounters his dads sister. "Where are you going Johnny?" she asks, and though he hesitates a little, he says: "I'm going to the sex club..." and again he receives a solid smack.

With two red handprints on his face he still continues on. When he's almost there, he encounters his grandfather. "Where are you going little fella?" asks his gramps. "I'm going to the sex club." was the resolute reply from the small boy. Grandfathers wastes no time and takes out his belt at the young boy, right there on the street.

So little johnny comes home some time later, and his dad says: "hey what are you doing home so early?" and little johnny replies: "I'm not going to the sex club anymore! And you can get your coat back yourself!!!"