sex

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she
dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20

Men and Women

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're
just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to
satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide
which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted
new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for
each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out
a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how
to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's
fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of
the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

And 1 more

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8
kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind,
one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,
would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only
your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading
candidates.

Candidate A -

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain
smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B -

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium
in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven, it's his mother.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think
before judging someone. Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember:
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at
least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the
last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The
same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new
laws each year designed to keep the rest of us
in line.

What are the Five Reasons not wanting
to be an Egg?

1. You only get laid once.

2. You only get eaten once.

3. Seven minutes to get hard (in boiling water).

4. You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.

5. The only one that sits on your face is your
mother.

A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

Haha

there is a 9y/o in the forums i wonder what he will think of it!

lmao, last two are hillarious

A man was feeling very depressed, walked into a
bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey.

As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked
"That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied,
"I got home and found my wife in bed with my best
friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the
man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed
a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the
bartender asked him "What did you do?" "I walked
over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her
straight in the eye and told her that we were
through and to pack her stuff and to get the
hell out."

"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what
about your best friend?" The man replied, "I
walked over to him, looked him right in the eye
and said 'Bad dog!'"

short, but sweet. i like it

And one more:

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate
to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you
talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each
other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and
tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who
explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she
shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and
screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a
single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"
and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own
fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"