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Topic: Impossible to Please Woman

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire


Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

Dead Pussy


An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

A reason not to mess with children



A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

Politicians on a Plane


Three politicians are flying in a plane. The first one looks at the second, buffs his carefully manicured fingernails against his Brooks Brothers suit, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

The second shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make ten people very happy".

The third tosses her perfectly coiffed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN


One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to
take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with S e xual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.. It's likely she can also think.

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

American And Chinese Conversation


This is a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Chinese authorities off the coast of Vietnam in South China Sea in October 1980.

CHINESE: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CHINESE: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CHINESE: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS MIDWAY, the second largest ship in the United States Pacific Fleet.

We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CHINESE: This is a lighthouse. You are on the course to collide with a Vietnamese fishing boat filled with hundreds of refugees!

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

================================================== =
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

================================================== ===
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

Ah beng go shopping


Ah Soh goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Soh : "What is that shiny object ?"

Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

Ah Soh : "What does it do ?"

Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Ah Soh : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Soh goes to work with her thermo flask

Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"

Ah Soh : "It's a thermos flask."

Boss : "What does it do?"

Ah Soh : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Boss : "What do you have in it! ?"

Ah Soh : "Two cups of coffee and a coke"

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

Dirty Joke


The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request denied for the following reasons:

Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too early


PICK UP LINES

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special

My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together

You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles

I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole

Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you're really good at raising cocks

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

Great to be a girl


*We know what we've got and we sure know how to work it!
*We can cry at movies without having to pretend we've got a chronic problem.
*We never have issues with the remote control.
*Beer doesn't constitute a food group for us.
*We get to experience one of life's greatest miracles - childbirth.
*We're in great company with such truly inspirational figures as Mother Teresa, etc.
*Long live women! According to a paper published in The Harvard University Gazette, "the average life expectancy at birth is about 79 years for women and about 72 years for men" (in developed countries).
*We can hug our friend (not anywhere near a football pitch), and she won't look at us weird.
*We have the innate ability to assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
*We're always right even when we're not& right?
*You can change and improve your appearance with make-up
*You don't have to wear a suit and tie
*Woman's clothes have more variety!
* You get to wear pants AND skirts
*You can change your hairstyle or colour whenever you want
*You can carry a handbag rather than having to use pockets
*You are allowed to hug boys and girls
*You get to sit down for a pee
*You get to spend hours in a beauty parlour being pampered
*If you have big ears, no one has to know
*when you get dumped, you can admit you're depressed
*you'll never regret piercing your ears
*you can quickly end any fight simply by crying
*if you talk to your mom every day, it's normal
*when necessary, you can live without sex
*if you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're
really chic
*if you want to have sex, you always can
*if you're dumb, some people will find it cute
*you don't have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates
are still there.
*if you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being
emotionally neglected
*you can sue the President for sexual harassment
*if YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a
human being

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

Three Guys in heaven


Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

$800


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

chopping the cherry tree


Legend has it that George Washington, America's first president, chopped
down a cherry tree in his youth. George gives the tree a good swing and
chops it down with an axe . His father sees the damaged tree and asks his
son if he knows who did the deed. George is quoted bravely admitting the
truth :- 'I can't tell a lie, Pa; you know I can't tell a lie. I did cut it
with my axe.'


This is a satire of how some Malaysian politicians circa 2008 may have
reacted to the question :-

PM Badawi - I did not cut down the tree, I was just taking a nap underneath
it.

Najib - I swear that I have never MET that tree.

Hishamuddin- ... but I only own a keris, not axe, how to cut down the tree.

Dr.M - Apa nama cherry tree, I chopped it down because, I don't like the
idea of Pak lah sleeping under it.

Chua Soi Lek - Yes it was me, I resign as caretaker of this orchard.

VK Lingam - It could be me, it might have been me but I don't think it's me.

Anwar Ibrahim - I DID NOT do it, and I am not giving any DNA samples for you
to plant on the axe handle.

Khir Toyo - the new state government should just trim the grass and not
waste time asking who cut the tree.

Ahmad Said (Terrenganu MB)- I chopped it because cherry trees are more
expensive to maintain than durian trees.

Azalina Othman - The cherry tree is not included under my tourism MOU so I
cut it down. Besides there were unauthorized signboards put up around the
tree.

Shabery Cheek - I challenge you to a debate on tree cutting.

Samy Velu - I chopped it because HINDRAF members were using it as a meeting
point

Wira Ali Rustam - We have planted Durian trees for 50 years and we will
plant them for another 50 years, we do not need cheery trees, apple trees,
pear trees and all these other foreign trees.

Rais Yatim - you must see the bigger picture, Ahmad said cherry trees are
expensive to maintain, Ali Rustan said that are against our national
identity and I needed to test my new axe, so you see- it's a WIN-WIN
situation all around.

Sharir Samad - I cut the tree because we could no longer afford to subsidize
it.

Karpal Singh - The bigfoot creature did it.

Bung Mokhtar - The big monkey did it

Pandikar Amin Mulia - There is nothing in the standing orders against
chopping cherry trees, Kinabatangan duduk, Bukit Gelugor duduk.sit down.

Khairy Jamaluddin - I did not do it, neither did the mat rempits. By the
way, what's a cherry tree ?

Lim Kit Siang - In response to Khairy - cherry tree also you don't know, you
are an insult to Oxford.

Nazri Aziz - racist, racist, racist, when we cut down durian trees nobody
made a fuss.

Malaysian Citizens - oh for heaven's sake!
Somebody plant something before we all starve to death.

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

TWICE a day


This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help
me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I
have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a
day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but
thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,"
says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor.
"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man.
"Twice a day."

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

ahseng Jokes


Stupid Seng !
-
Seng : I'm glad i wasn't born in Spain, Ben.
Ben : Why's that, Seng?
Seng : Coz' I cant speak Spanish.
-
Seng's Mother : Why has it taken you so long to write that letter to your Auntie Betty?
Seng : Coz' she's a slow reader ma' !
-
Seng : Joyce, last night my dad stabbed himself when he was cutting a couliflower for our dinner.
Joyce : Crikey what did you do?
Seng : Opened a tin of peas.
-
Lulu : How's your guitar Seng?
Seng : I threw it away.
Lulu : Why ?
Seng : It had a hole in the middle ...
-
Lulu : Hi, Seng. How are you managing with your new contact lenses.
Seng : Terrible! I can't get 'em on over my glasses.
-
Postman : Is this letter for you ? The name's Smudge.
Seng : No... My name's Seng !
Grandma : It's terrible weather, Seng you'd better stay here the night.
Seng : Ok Gran, I'll nip home and get my pyjamas.
-
Seng : I've just got a letter from my grad .... ' Dear Seng. I'm sending you three socks, because your mum says you've grown another foot since i last saw you ... '
-
Seng : This mirror you sold me is no good!
Shop Keeper : What's wrong with it?
Seng : Every time I try to see something in it, my face gets in the way!
-
Postman : I've walked five miles to deliver this letter to you, Seng.
Seng : Why didn't you just Post it ?
-
Doctor : Take for teaspoons of this medicine everyday, Seng...
Seng : I can't, doc .... We've only got three teaspoons at home!
Roland Cookie
The Wacky Waiter !!
-
Customer : I'll have a steak .. No, make that a salad ...
Roland Cookie : I'm a waiter, sir. Not a flippin' Magician.
-
Customer : Waiter !!! There's a worm on my plate !!
Roland Cookie : That's not a worm sir, that's your sausage !
-
Customer : Waiter ! Waiter ! What's this fly doing on my ice-cream?!
Roland Cookie : Learning to Ski, Sir.
-
Customer : Waiter, this meal's half cold!
Roland Cookie : Well, eat the half that's hot.
-
Customer : Why is there no meat in this salad?
Roland Cookie : There is ! Look, those two caterpillars !
-
Customer : Yeuk ! This soul is awful! Send for the manager !!
Roland Cookie : I wouldn't bother, he won't like it either.
-
Customer : Waiter ! What do I have to do to get a glass of water around here !?!
Roland Cookie : Set yourself on fire sir!
-
Customer : Waiter ! This coffee is WEAK !!
Roland Cookie : what do you wan me to do, give it weight-training ?
-
Customer : What do you call this ?!
Roland Cookie : Cottage Pie, Sir ...
Customer : Well, I've just bitten a piece of the roof !!
-
Customer : Why have you brought my dinner in a feed bag?
Roland Cookie : Coz' the chef says you eat like a horse.
-
Customer : I'll pay mu bill now ...
Roland Cookie : Hmm ... this five pound note's bad sir ...
Customer : So was the food !!
-
Customer : Wiater, what's this ?
Roland Cookie : A jacket potato sir .
Customer : Yes, but what's this on it ?
Roland Cookie : Buttons !
-
School Crappers !!
Student : Teacher told me to clean the baord, and i've been rub bin it for half and hour and its still black ..
-
Teacher : Why arent you writting, smith !?
Student : Coz' i ain't got no pen, sir
T : You aint got no pen ????!!!!!! You have no pen you mean !
I HAVE no pen,
HE HAS no pen,
SHE HAS no pen,
THEY HAVE no pens .....
S : ???? Blimey - who pincked all the pens ?
Student A : I wish i'd lived 500 years ago
B : Why ?
A : I wouldn;t have as much history to learn !
T : Your english homework was bad, i told u to do it again for times, and u've onli done it three times ....
S : I know miss - my arithmetic isn't very good either !
Mother : Why are u home from school so early ?
Son : coz' the boy nex to me was smoking.
M : but if he was smoking, why should u be sent home ?
S : it was me that set him alight...
T : so u're the new boi..... where do u come from?
S : Scotland sir ...
T : Which part ?
S : All of me sir !
T : What do all the kings and queens of the 16th century have in common, Alan!
S : They're all dead sir !
T ; u'er late again boi !!! why dont u get an alarm clock
S : ive got one, sir. but im always asleep when it goes off
T : Swt ! and why is this essay on ur dog same as ur sister's !?
S : coz's its the same dog, sir.
T : that's the fourth time i've had to cane u this week ! - what have you got to say for yourself !
S : thank godness it's friday !
T : what's your name boi ?
S : walter tomkins !
T : say sir when u speak to me boi !!!
S : Allright ! sir walter tomkins !!
T ; !!!!!
T : .... And what might be ur name kid !
S : it might be george .. but it isnt.....

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty
4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find
a fake Jeep?"

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

No Homework Excuses


1. I lost it fighting this kid you said you weren't the best teacher in the school

2. I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

3. Our puppy toilet trained on it

4. Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

5. I put it in a safe, but lost the combination

6. I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away

7. Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn it to stop ourselves from freezing

8. I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine

9. I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload

10. My little sister ate it

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

The difference between 'potentially' and 'reality'

The youngest son asked his father: Daddy, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'reality"

Dad: I will show you.

Dad turned to his wife and asked: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars?"

Wife: Yes. I would never waste such an opportunity to become a millionaire. Then dad turned to his daughter: Would you sleep with Will Smith for 2 million dollars?

Daughter: Yes. That is my fantasy.

Dad turned to his son: Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for 1 million dollars?

Son: Yes. Imagine what I would do with 1 million.

Dad to his youngest son: You see "potentially' we are sitting on 4 million. But in "reality" we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

See what money does, it exposes people to what they really are

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

Naughty farmers wife

A farmer married a nympho, who banged everyone she saw..
During the Pumpkin prize season, the farmer used to come home early, so the nympho, was suffering from withdrawal symptoms. The farmer brought the pumpkin that he was growing for the fair home and placed it under his bed and used to check up on it everynight.

One day when the farmer was out, his wife called the milkman in and they went at it, they lost track of time and suddenly the farmer comes home.

The wife says: "Quick under the bed." .. Just then the husband comes into the bedroom

Husband: "Honey y are you naked?"
Wife: "I was waiting for you!"
Husband: "Ok lemme check the pumpkin"

So he sticks he finger under the bed, and it lands in the milkmans ass

Husband: " Shit honey, i think my prize pumpkin is rotten!"

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

some comment pls

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

are you 13?

A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

............

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Re: Impossible to Please Woman

it's a reasonable question after those jokes.

A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

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