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Topic: Neo Variety Hour

Greetings, all.  Many of you may not know me.  After all, I haven't visited this forum in so long that it wouldn't be unreasonable to have assumed that I was dead.  Long before the forum was hacked, I had a topic for short stories, mainly for comedic ones that people normally wouldn't bother to make whole threads for.  Anyone was allowed to post stories in it, and ask for feedback.  For one reason or another, I stopped going to this forum, and gave up writing more of the story I posted in the original thread ("Almighty Dollar's Variety Hour"), though I did write a bit more which I allowed someone else to post elsewhere for a while.  Now, I've decided to restart this myself.

The rules are simple.  Any story is allowed.  They don't have to be self-contained: multiple chapters are allowed, too, but please make those cut off at sensible places.  Make up new characters or swipe them from other people in the thread: they can declare that your story isn't part of their continuity, if they care that much.  Though this is meant to be comedy (and there's a poetry thread anyway, so post poems there), it's not like anyone will really care if it isn't.  To start things off, I'm reposting the first section of the original one I posted, all those years back.  If people want me to, I can repost the entire thing, but first I want to see if I can get anyone else to post here.  Go on!




Part 1:  Kanbei must have nicotine!


Inside a kitchen, in a seemingly normal house.  There is a table with 5 chairs around it, and several D&D type books (monster manuals, Player's guides and such, all labelled "Monsters 'n Mazes") are on it.  A man, Bob, is sitting at the table.  He seems a fairly normal looking guy, with short blond hair, and nothing really noticeable about him, except he is slightly taller than most of the characters in this.  Another guy, Mike, comes in.  Mike is slightly shorter than Bob, and has dark hair.  He seems to have very shifty eyes, as if comtemplating whether he can steal each object he sees.

Bob says, "Hey Mike!  No one else is here yet, so I've just set up the table."

"Yeah.  Who's being the Gamesmaster tonight?", inquires Mike.

"Jim's doing it."

"I hate how he only lets us have one character, so I have a plan..."

Bob seemed slightly surprised.  "What are you gonna do, then?"

Mike smiled, and said "My character is part elf, part orc, part dwarf and part halfing."

"Whoa, that's strange."

Mike laughed, and continued, "That's not all.  He's a Fighter/Mage/Thief/Cleric/Paladin, and I plan on Multiclassing him."

"And I thought my Ranger/Sorceror was bad!  What's his alignment?"

Mike thought for a few seconds. "Well... he's Chaotically Neutral Lawful Good, but he has an evil side..."

"Great!  That'll really annoy him!  What about your items?"

"I gave him 5 suits of armour and every type of sword."

Bob questioned him about this, "But why?  You can't use EVERY sword at the same time!"

"Ah, but my character has 5 sets of arms."

"Is that even legal?"

Mike shrugged.  "I doubt it, but that's why I always bring the beer.  You got the pizza?"

"Sure."

A doorbell is heard ringing.  Bob goes off to get it.  He comes back with the other 3 players in their game; Jim, Sam and Foggy.  Jim seems slightly older than the others, curiously enough having his hair gelled up and bleached (somewhat resembling a Super-Saiyan).  Sam always has a kind of stupid grin on his face, as if he understands nothing that is going on, although it is unclear whether this is true.  He is taller than the others, and supposedly stronger, with really short blond hair.  Foggy is the only girl in the whole group, with long red hair (actually, she isn't really called that, it's just a nickname due to her resemblance to another character). She seems the most sensible of the group, but that's not much of an achievement.

Jim places a pile of books on the table, and smiles.  He says, "Alright guys, tonight we're playing my "Dungeon of Doom" level.  You all got characters rolled up?"

They all say they have.  Jim looks at Bob.

"Bob, I thought you said you didn't have a character anymore, not after your mage with that rod of fireballs..."

Sam laughs, and adds "Yeah, he thought it was a Staff of Striking, and hit that Goblin with it.  Killed himself, but took out everything in the room."

Mike says, "I think it's the only time a character in our campaign has ever levelled up after he was killed..."

Bob seemed insulted about this.  "Hey, that's not fair!  I don't *do* identify spells.  And you're forgetting that time that those pirates kidnapped your character, put him in a dress and made him dance!  Jim, here's my new character."

He hands the sheet to Jim, who reads it.  Jim looks shocked at it.

"You have 5 natural 18s for your stats!  There's no way you rolled that!"

Mike pointed at Jim, seeming to be a bit angry.  "Hey, I saw him roll that guy!  He must have rolled a thousand characters that night..."

"I don't care about that, but as the High Council of Role Players say, 'Always give a monster an even break'.", said Jim, with a smirk on his face.

Bob gasped.  "You guys all heard that!  He's gonna try and kill me!  I knew he'd do that!"

Foggy spoke in a quiet voice, urging them to stop fighting.  "Calm down you guys.  We all came here to play Monsters 'n Mazes, not to argue!"

Sam shrugged.  "She's right.  We shouldn't fight each other.  Let's all play."

Jim looks at Sam, puzzled.  "Wait a second, I know Foggy always plays using her Elven thief, but what are you using, Sam?"

"The Mighty Kanbei."

Bob and Mike look really angry.

Bob says, "Kanbei!  He's a frickin' Advance Wars character!"

"Yeah, you can't use him in Monsters 'n Mazes!", added Mike.

Sam replied, "So says the man with a Death Star stashed inside that portable hole in the game."

Foggy looks surprised at this.  "A death star?  How could you fit it in a portable hole?"

Mike sighs.  "I have to explain every time. I dismantle it, put the pieces in Bags of Holding and shove them in the Hole.  I don't see why hardly any Gamesmasters will let me use it..."

"It's a bloody superweapon!  You could just blow up the dungeons instead of going in them!", said Sam.

"Alright, I won't take it this time."

Sam simply says, "Good."

"I'll just take my Lightsaber..."

They all look at him angrily.

Mike laughed.  "Just kidding."

It is half an hour later.  There are a few half empty bottles of beer on the table.  Jim is arguing with Sam.

Jim says to Sam, "For the last time, you can't use a MegaTank in this game!"

"But why?"

"For one thing, Tanks don't exist in the world this game is set in.  Also, you won't be able to fit it in a dungeon.  It'd get stuck everywhere!"

"That's why it has the gun on it, see.  I thought of everything."

"If you fired that gun, it would kill you!  And everyone else on the same floor!"

"You're just angry because you didn't think of it first.  The Mighty Kanbei is the greatest guy who ever lived!"

"Kanbei doesn't exist!  Except in games of course..."

Meanwhile, at a shop about three miles down the road from the house the other characters are in.  A man and his daughter (quite clearly Kanbei and Sonja from the Advance Wars games) walk in.

The shop assistant is a fairly young guy with dark hair, and is wearing a baseball cap.  Don't worry about other details, he won't appear again (as far as I know).  He says, "Can I help you?"

Kanbei says in an authoritative voice, "The Mighty Kanbei demands cigarretes!"

"How many?"

"The Mighty Kanbei demands 10 packets!"

"Sorry, only 2 left."

Kanbei appears thoughtful for a few seconds.  He says, "I must discuss this with my strategic advisor..."

Kanbei quickly talks to Sonja in a flurry of whispering.  He turns back to the Assistant.

The assistant sighed. "Well?"

"The Mighty Kanbei has been advised to give up smoking!"

"And... what does this mean to me?"

"The Mighty Kanbei demands nicotine gum!"

The assistant muttered quietly to himself. "It makes me wonder why I turned down that acting job.  The audition went well, but still, I just don't think I could have kept doing that for twenty-six episodes..."

We find ourselves in a flashback to a Jokemon episode.  The Assistant is in the place of Dash, the main character of the show based on a game that doesn't actually exist..

"I will catch all the Jokemon and become world champion master of the universe.  Hohoho!"

Brick, Dash's friend, says, "Hell yeah!"

Foggy is also here (although not the same one in the gaming group, they look similar, hence the nickname).  "But what about Team Sprockett?"

Team Sprockett's theme tune starts up, and 2 people with a cat appear.

"To infect the world with constipation!"

"To ignite all people within the nation!"

"To denounce the evil of Super Glue!"

"To extend our reach beyond the moon!"

"Nessy!"

"Insane!"

"Team sprocket blast themselves into a land mine!"

"Surrender now or prepare to... ermmm... um... LINE!"

"Purry, thats fine!"

The assistant, dressed as Dash, says, "Jiminy Jillikers!"

Foggy says, "Dash, you've got to beat them!  Send out Punkachu!  Punkachu!  Punkachu!"

Back at the Shop.  Kanbei is still talking whilst the Assistant is looking happily and is clearly not paying attention.

Kanbei is repeating the same word over and over again.  "Punkachu!  Punkachu!  Punkachu!"

The assistant snaps out of it.

"Hey... What are you saying that for?"

Kanbei laughs.  "The Mighty Kanbei just wanted to mess around with your head.  The Mighty Kanbei does not like waiting long in a line!"

A man walks up to Kanbei.  The man asks, "Did you say 'waiting'?"

"Yes..."

"Why, that's our WORD OF THE DAY!"

Hundreds of dancing clowns run in from panels in the wall which have slid away.  Previously concealed disco lights begin flashing everywhere.

Kanbei backs off into a corner, frightened.  "W-w-what is happening?!?"

"Why, nothing... Suckers!"

All the weird stuff that had appeared vanishes.  The man flies away backwards, laughing evilly.  He says "I'll be back, suckers!  Just give me about seven or eight more episodes, but I will return!".

You didn't read Neo Variety Hour, so they killed me.  But even death can not stop my awful, awful posts.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

So it takes a hacker destroying the forum to get you back here?!

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

Actually, that's just a coincidence.  If the original thread still existed, I would have just posted in that.
It doesn't, so I couldn't.
So I didn't.

You didn't read Neo Variety Hour, so they killed me.  But even death can not stop my awful, awful posts.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

I don't whether to jsut post the next chapter or to re-post the two I've done.  I'll just do that to make reading it easier.

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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5 Reply by The Almighty Dollar (edited by The Almighty Dollar 12-Apr-2008 21:25:07)

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

Feel free to repost the whole thing.  I'm starting over again anyway, to the point of rewriting part two almost from scratch. 
Edit: Given that I haven't written anything in ages, I forgot to turn off word-wrap when copying it to here.  So reposted the whole thing.



Part 2: The C'tan were behind it the whole time!


Back in the kitchen with Bob, Mike, Jim, Foggy and Sam.  They are playing a role playing game, and Jim is the gamesmaster.

"Alright guys, tonight we're continuing with our 'Desperado' campaign.  We return where we last left the game.  You've all escaped from the prison in the town of Westville, stolen back your guns from the sheriff and spent a night resting outside of the town.  What do you do now?" said Jim.

The others discuss what to do and reach an agreement.

"We're going to rob the 'First Bank of Westville' in a daring raid at noon." said Sam.

Jim sighed, and replied, "Y'know, every time I ask you that, you rob the bank.  Every time I ask you anything, in fact, you try and rob a bank, or fit bank-robbing somewhere into your plans.  I asked what in-character justification you had for your starting equipment.  You replied by saying that you had taken out a loan to fund your midday bank robbery. I asked where your characters all came from.  You all claimed that you don't have hometowns, rather that your characters grew up as travelling bank-robbers.  I know this gives you a plus-five inherent bonus on all your bank-robbery rolls, but you're starting to stretch suspension of disbelief there.  Especially when none of your character knew each other before the start of this campaign, meaning that there are several maruading groups of bank robbers roaming the countryside."

Foggy interrupted, "In our defence, it's a poorly structured system which makes it difficult to have any other kind of backstory.  Most of the inherent backstory bonuses boost non-combat skills, or simply give silly abilities.  For instance, back when we started playing this game when the first edition came out, Bob had that character with the 'Hairdresser' ability set."

Bob laughed.  "Oh, that one was great.  Managed to take out the entire bandit camp with a 'Critical Bowlcut' roll against their leader.  A shame they nerfed Hairdressers for this edition.  I guess it didn't fit with their 'traditional' view of the old west, so they retconned it out.  Just like how in the new edition of Battleaxe Thrity-Million they changed it so that everything that ever happened was the fault of omnipotent and omniscient space-gods, somehow.  Also, now everyone is evil."

"Even the good space-communists?" asked Mike.

"Especially the good space communists!" shouted Bob, rising to his feet and knocking his chair over.  He turned around to pick it up, and sat back down, continuing in a normal tone of voice.

"So, anyway, daring twelve-noon raid."

"The townspeople time their watches by your daring twelve-noon raids, and in fact no one puts any more money in that bank anymore.  It's safer for them to just carry it around these days." said Jim.

Sam nodded.  "You're right.  No one would be stupid enough to fall for that this time."

Bob added, "Let's rob the second Bank then.  It'll come totally out of nowhere."

Jim groaned loudly, and switched on a TV where he sees an advert, showing a picture of a dull looking town in the middle of a storm.

"This summer holiday, don't visit dull old England, or even boring France.  Instead visit..."

The scene changes to show a country resembling pre-WW2 Germany.

"Black Hole!  As seen in 'Advance Wars'!"

Soldiers with laser rifles shoot at people.

"See the picturesque countryside, the wonderful architecture and the spectacular Death Rays.  Look, here's a citizen of the country, Mr Sturm!"

The robotic CO named Sturm walks onto the screen.  He says "I will crush all who oppose me!  Sorry, I meant... This country is the perfect place for a holiday.  Why not drop your children off at our Death Camps... I mean Fun Camps... whilst you enjoy a relaxing day of forced labour!"
"And what makes the country extra special compared to America as a holiday destination?"
"We have launched our Nuclear Missiles at America... I mean... We have the sunniest beaches in the world!"

In the kitchen again.  Foggy is the only one watching TV.  The others are all playing the game.

Foggy says, "Is it just me or is all this advertising getting weird?"

Jim is telling Sam, Bob and Mike how they have been beaten.

"Bob, your character has fallen off his horse and broken his neck.  Sam, the dynamite nunchuks you created have turned out to be less than ideal, as they have exploded for a minimum some three thousand damge points.  I'd give you an exact number, but I don't actually have enough dice in my possession to roll the damage total."

Sam laughs.  "And that was with a successful invention check, too.  I'd hate to see what a botched one would do."

"Three thousand, minimum?  After they nerfed most other weapons to about five damage per round?  Damn it, where's my Hairdresser character class now?" said Bob.

"And Mike, your character was bludgeoned to death by the townspeople who recovered from your first attack." concluded Jim.

Sam turned to face Mike.  "Why did you hang around to stab that old guy in the face, anyway?"

"In this game, my nickname is Face-Stabbin' Mike.  My name is Mike, and my trademark is stabbing people in the face.  Hence the nickname."

"But every time you stick around to do that, you've been killed!"

"Still my trademark."

"But, since you die every time you do it, and you can't possibly bring your character back to life in this setting, have you considered that there are at least thirty dead bandits who all called themselves 'Face-Stabbin' Mike' and were swiftly killed?" asked Foggy.

"My actual main character survived with one hitpoint.  He's franchised the name out, since then.  If I ever need to, I'll bring him out of retirement to use the money he has to fund our next robbery."

Jim sighs, and says "Okay you guys.  Let's just admit that the Desperado campaign is now over due to the absurdly high rate of character deaths.  I don't think we'd ever get that finished."

"Hey, what do you mean high death rate?"

"Mike, for one thing, you've just lost your eigth character to misfiring guns, this time it seems he tripped over whilst running and blew his own legs off.  Altogether, that would be over thirty characters you've lost so far, thirty-seven to be precise, and that's just you.  Sam is the only one with a higher death rate, and that's because of his insistence of using Dynamite as a melee weapon."

Sam smiled.  "Hey, if I go down, I wanna go down with style."

"But thirty-seven times?  When you hadn't even taken any damage for half of them?" said Foggy.

"You're right!  How did they get stuff done in the old west if they kept dying all the time?" complained Bob.

Jim sighed.  "Alright, let's call it quits, and I'll run a different game next time."

You didn't read Neo Variety Hour, so they killed me.  But even death can not stop my awful, awful posts.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

lol

and whats with the title?:p

Not many people know this, but I own the first radio in Springfield. Not much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A" he'd say; then "B." "C" would usually follow...

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

Wow that is hilarious, though I didn't get it at first. I want to post a story but you'll have to wait until I've thought of something.

Everyone has the right to be stupid but your just abusing the privilege.

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8 Reply by Hoitash (edited by Hoitash 22-Apr-2008 14:18:50)

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

The whole thing?  May as well, it ain't comin' back any other way.


THEM!  A movie in several parts.

Part One: Why the Clown?

SCENE: A police car is driving along a road in the desert.  A small airplane is flying overhead.  The pilot is eating a donut with black coffee, reading Readers Digest.  The two officers have the "Cops" theme song on the radio.

Pilot: those silly liberals. Hey what?
The pilot alerts the police officers, waking the cop seated next to the driver. A beat-up clown is in the back.

Pilot: Hey, Benson, Avery!  I see something!  Looks like an eight year-old girl!  About half a click off the road to your left.
The two cops attempt to figure out which way is left when they see the girl.  She is holding a doll with part of the head missing.  It is a Kurt Cobain doll.  The girl seems to be in a trance as she stares blankly in front of her.

Driver (Carl Benson): Get off the road and don't run this one over.

Other cop (Ben Avery):It was one time, one hooker!

Carl: two times, three hookers and a stray panther.

Avery: I did the zoo a favor; that panther had worms.  I found out when I cut the steaks from it.

Carl: I thought those steaks at the company barbecue tasted funny.

Clown: honk!  Honk!
The two cops stop the car and get out of the vehicle.

Ben gets out and walks to the girl.

Ben: You okay?  What

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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9 Reply by The Almighty Dollar (edited by The Almighty Dollar 20-May-2008 21:58:18)

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

I was stuck on part three, and have been since the end of part two.  So, screw it, I'm just posting it as-is.  Please help me make it better.  Assuming anyone is bored enough to read this, they must be bored enough to reply.



Part three: Sympathy for the Devil(s)


The players were clearing up after a game of "BattleAxe 30,000" (nothing to do with Warhammer 40000, of course).

"So, guys, I just bought a copy of 'Finala Internet-connected', the new online game which definitely isn't a ripoff of Final Fantasy XI or Ultima." said Bob.

"Wait, that got two stars out of five in 'Blue Dwarf' magazine, didn't it?" inquired Foggy.

"Considering that the reviewer tends to give negative scores to games, that's actually very high." observed Jim.

"Still, most other magazines gave it somewhere in the seventy percent region." said Foggy.

Mike laughs.  "So, how did you decide to buy that?  Used your magic 8-ball?"

"Y'know, those things don't work.  I once asked it if I should crack it open and drink the fluid inside, and boy was I suckered..." commented Sam reminiscently.

They all stared at Sam for a second, shrugged, and got on with clearing away the game.


***
[Originally, there was a long and boring transition scene here, with Bob getting stuck on a character creation screen.  Let's acknowledge that it was a mistake, and move on.]
***


Later on, Bob was playing the newly installed game on his computer.  Having spent several hours on the character creation screen, his character was now seemingly standing in a medieval village.  The name 'DevilDude379' is written in his character statistics, showing that he obviously had no luck with finding an original name.  A man approaches him.  He would look like a rather friendly person, if he didn't have red skin, devil horns and a tail. 

"Hello, and welcome to the game!  I'm SatanDevil1692, and I run the 3rd Guild of people with names synonomous with the dark lord!  Do you want to join our guild?"

"Why?  What will I have to do?"

"Like all newbies who join our guild you will... umm... receive help from us, like you'll level up quicker..."

"Sure, I'll join!" said Bob, with some smiley face emoticon after this.

SatanDevil1692 laughed, and points a pitchfork at Bob (Pitchfork of Playerkilling, grants 73% attack bonus against other players, worth a fortune on the market). "Now you're our bee-atch, lol, roflmao!  Now, give me some phat loot, or I'll disintegrate you!"

"Wait, aren't the high level players meant to help newbies?"

"Yes, but we're all complete bastards, aren't we?"

"YEAH!" replied every devil on the server.  Which is to say, practically every player.

"After all, when we were new to the game some people acted the same towards us.  So instead of breaking this cycle, we've decided to get back at them by acting like complete idiots towards everyone, trying to justify our actions by claiming to be 'in character', then denouncing anyone who disagrees with us as 'not knowing what they are talking about', simply so that we don't have to show how stupid we are."

"Really?", asked Bob.

"Well, yeah, but you won't hear anyone else admitting that..."

"Damn it.  This is just like when I went on 'Myth of the Blue Manticore'..."

He has a brief flashback of three people arguing.

"I'm Satan, son of Lucifer!" says the first.

"No, I'm the Devil, son of Satan.  And also Lucifer."  Says the second.

"Lucifer and Satan are the same person, lol!  I am the true 'Dark Lord', lol, Jesus the Devil, lol!" shouts the third.

"No, no, no!  Jesus isn't the Dark Lord!  I am!  And I'm also 20,000 years old, and have a sword forged in Hell out of blood and other ominous things!" says the second one.

""Oh yeah?!?  Your character is only level 1!  He's equipped with a Mop!" says the first one.

"Yeah, but this is Roleplay, so I'm allowed to claim powers that no one has.  I'm so smart for thinking of this!  After all, no one on any site has ever claimed to be the Devil before I did!  And despite being misinformed of any religious references, I'll still claim to be the real one!" shouts the second one.

Back to the present.  Bob shudders, and logs out of the game.  Then takes the disc out of his computer, and snaps it in half. 

"Why do I even go on the internet anymore..."

You didn't read Neo Variety Hour, so they killed me.  But even death can not stop my awful, awful posts.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

so very true

Not many people know this, but I own the first radio in Springfield. Not much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A" he'd say; then "B." "C" would usually follow...

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11 Reply by The Almighty Dollar (edited by The Almighty Dollar 10-Jun-2008 22:15:39)

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

Well, now I have only one confirmed reader.  So I really have no reason to continue.  But, what the heck, wrote a new part of it anyway, complete with unexplained genre change and pointless conversations.  Behold:


Part four: Procrastination.



"Would someone please remind me why we're locked in a poorly-guarded yet seemingly secure cell?" asked Bob.

"We were all kidnapped.  By a Supervillain." answered Mike.

"Well, that's a whole new level of stupid.  Who do you think got us?  I remember going into the bakery with you guys, then waking up here.  I guess we must have been knocked out, or something." said Bob.

"It's not the Mean Goblin.  He'd have just stolen our sandwiches, or maybe punched a few babies." said Jim.

"Doesn't look like the style of Mister Cheese, either.  Man, that was a lame villain.  He had a gun which shot cheese.  Ironically, to build it, he must have at some point owned a real gun,  Which would be, you know, more useful." said Sam.

"Guys, what kind of Supervillain would lock us in a cell, then take ages to tell us why?  I mean, is he off doing something which he considers more important?" said Foggy.

"Oh no." said Mike.  "Not him.  Anyone but..."

"The Procrasinator!" said a voice coming from a speaker embedded in the wall.  "Bwahahahaha!"

Jim sighed.  "Alright, Procrastinator, why have you kidnapped us?"

"Behold, tremble in fear as I explain my ingenious plan to... hold on, phone call... back in five minutes."

"Well, damn it." said Bob.  "What are we going to do now?"

"We could try escaping?" said Foggy.  "He doesn't sound like the sort of person to put lots of effort into security, so there has to be some way out."

"No, I've battled him before.  He's obviously up to something, and we need to find that out, before we leave." said Mike.

"Wait, you know this guy?" asked Bob.

"Sure.  I fight against him all the time, as my alter-ego, Tuxedo Mike."

"The worst part is, there's a guy called the Procrastinator, who seems to have the gimmick of wasting time, so I'm not even sure if you're making this up." said Sam.

"Oh, I'm not.  My usual opponents are the Negaverse.  Or the Dark Kingdom.  I forget which."

"So, can't you use your supposed superpowers to get us out of here?" asked Bob.

"Only if one of you happens to have brought a tuxedo with you.  Plus a top hat.  And a cane.  And a cool mask.  I'm powerless without those.  Also, I usually only give vague advice to people, rather than fighting."

"You don't fight evil at all, then." said Foggy.

"Only lame villains, on the level of the Riddler.  Except, you know, non-copyrighted ones."

"You know what?" said Sam.  "I remember watching Wacky Races as a child, and I always thought Dick Dastardly was kind of a stupid guy.  I mean, he had to have a really fast car to get ahead of everyone else, and he must be a good driver to survive the courses he raced around.  But he always set traps, which must have taken more time than he needed to win anyway."

"And this has something to do with what we're saying because...?" said Bob.

"Well, I think he must be like the Riddler."

"A really, really stupid character idea?"

"No, no.  Obsessive-whatchamacallit.  Compulsive?" said Sam.

"So you're saying that the reason Dick Dastardly loses races is because he is compelled to lose them by his subconscious?" asked Foggy.

"Well, it's the only way it makes sense.  If you think about it that way, he's a sympathetic character, always stuggling against his own mind to try and succeed in life." said Sam.

"Just great.  Another conversation, another ruined childhood memory." said Mike.

"Behold, I have returned!" said the Procrastinator.  "Well, not to where you are, but to where I was.  And am now!  Bwahahahaha!"

"Get on with it!" said Bob.

"If by 'it' you mean the explanation of why you have been captured by my now mysteriously absent henchmen who are, of course, off substituting in my normal duties..."

"You mean lazing around, trying to avoid work?" said Mike.

"I resemble that remark!"

"Well, are you going to tell us?" asked Foggy.

"Soon!"

"How about now?" asked Mike.

"Very well!" said the Procrastinator, after several moments of silence. "I had to capture you all, to stop you counteractinging my devious plan!  You see, at precisely half past one in the afternoon today (in this time zone, of course), the planets shall align in such a way that I can activate my orbital satellite, put into space by my henchmen, to absorb nigh-unlimited cosmic energy, thus becoming... a god!  Bwahahaha!"

"That's stupid.  It doesn't even make sense.  I mean, there's no way for that to make any extra enenrgy suddenly appear, not to mention to actually somehow get the energy down to Earth without losing most of it anyway." said Jim.

"Plus we wouldn't have known about your plan if you hadn't captured us, and made us listen to you talking about it.  So, you know, you kind of messed that up." said Foggy.

The Procrastinator continued, ignoring their objections. "And I'll begin my plan by killing all of you, right after I've finished... this cake!"

The speaker turned silent once more.

"Oh, great.  He's eating a cake now.  How many hours do you think he'll take to do that?" said Bob.

"It's the waiting more than anything that's killing us, really." said Sam.

"This is just stupid.  We live in a world of science and logic!  How dare there be someone called the Procrastinator?" said Bob.

"Your cousin Lance trains dragons for a living.  I've met him." said Sam.

"Well, that makes sense.  If dragons or, indeed, other monsters, exist, why not tame them?" replied Bob.

"The monsters are stored in spheres roughly one inch in diameter, and can shrink further.  Also, many major disputes are settled by having the monsters fight each other." said Sam.

"Okay, that I have no explanation for.  We live in a world of utter insanity."

"As long as you accept it, it's okay." said Sam.

"So I've been thinking about Chocolate Cornets..." began Bob, only to be interrupted by the Procrastinator speaking once again.

"That cake was so delicious!", he said through the speaker.  "Now I shall... eat another cake! Bwahahahaha... HAHAHAHA!  But I don't have any cakes here.  Or any flour.  Or eggs.  I shall go... to the shops!  Bwahaha!"

"You said your plan hinged upon doing something at 1.30, right?" said Mike.

"Bwahaha... yes, of course.  And with you all out of the picture, I shall succeed!"

"Well, given that it's already five o'clock by my watch, can we just leave now?" asked Mike.

"What?"

"Hey, he's right!  Five past five by mine, though I've been meaning to set it right." said Foggy.

"Curses!  My unfoilable plan is... foiled!  ...but wait!  Perhaps I can come up with... a backup plan!  Just give me another twenty minutes, everyone.  I shall... be right back!" finished the Procrastinator.


"He's stopped talking?  Good.  That means he's probably off wasting time again." said Mike.

"You know, between us, we could probably break down the door." said Jim.

"That's right!  Of course!  He always wastes his time with stupid plans, so he probably didn't take the time to attach the door properly!" said Bob.

Foggy looked at the door, hen knelt down to look through the keyhole.  "On closer inspection, he hasn't even locked it properly.  He left the key in.  Sure, it's on the other side of the door, but I guess it would be the work of seconds to unlock it."

"So we wasted all of this time here?" said Bob, furiously.

"He already won!  Damn him!" exclaimed Jim.  "Let's get out of here, and get some dinner."

Hours later, the cell is empty.

"Bwahahahaha!  I have returned with... my backup plan!  I'm going to... wait a second, something isn't right here.  I suppose I should finally go down there, and check on this myself.  I've put it off absurdly long."

The Procrastinator walked into the cell, looking around.  He was a somewhat overweight, albeit immaculately dressed man, the kind generally reffered to as being 'jolly'.  Though given that you already know he's also evil, and quite possibly insane, I suppose your own opinion of him may be different.

"They escaped?  They've all escaped?  But when did they find the time to... oh, right."

He sighed, and pulled a Gameboy out of his pocket.  "This day doesn't have to be a complete loss.  Maybe I can beat my old Tetris high score."

"Oh god, I feel so lonely now."




(edit: spacing of lines and alignment of text wrong, fixed.)

You didn't read Neo Variety Hour, so they killed me.  But even death can not stop my awful, awful posts.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

Always make me smile tongue. And there are other people reading, just look at the number of views

Not many people know this, but I own the first radio in Springfield. Not much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A" he'd say; then "B." "C" would usually follow...

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

Uh, I read it.  I contribute, too.  Speaking of which, have three short chapters of once:

Part Two:  Now This is Weird

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

Sure, don't bother to post when I put up something...



Part Five: Holy Mackerel!



Ben and Sam are at an airport; Ben is reading a letter from the Department of Agriculture:

    To NMPD:
    In response to the finding of your print and the subsequent search to identify it, we have decided to send a doctor

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

You people disgust me with you irerreverence, or an equally large word to explain my disgust.

Part Eight: You Want us to do What?



    Pat, Dr. Medford, Sam, Ben, Bob, and the general are in a small meeting room at the police station.  There

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

I apologise to my reader for the lateness of this update.  Assuming I still have that one reader.  Anyway, time to waste another five minutes of your life.



Part 5: Speak of him!



"So I've been thinking about the Captain Planet villains." said Bob, walking along a street with Sam and Mike.  They were on their way to the other bakery in town, the one not frequented by Procrastinator.

"Captain Planet?  You mean that kids show from back in the nineties, where they tried to teach children environmentalism by having a guy with a green mullet beat up people who pollute?" asked Mike.

"Pretty much, yeah." replied Bob.

"So what about them, then?  What's so important about the villains?" said Sam.

"Well, it's like this.  They had this one guy who polluted because it was cheaper than recycling, and he wanted to make more money. I can accept that.  Maybe there are people in charge of corporations who are basically Lex Luthor.    Then you had the mad scientist who would always be kicking puppies, or pouring oil into the oceans, but it was all for science.  Even if it was the crazy-stupid-evil kind of science.  You can at least understand where they're coming from with those."

"So what's the problem?" asked Sam.

"One of the villains polluted because he liked to pollute.  That was it.  No back-story was ever given in the entire run of the show, as far as I know.  No motive, no possible way he could be profiting from collecting garbage from landfills and dumping it in, for example, rainforests."

"My parents made me watch the show when I was a kid because they thought it was educational, so I think I've seen most of the episodes", said Mike.  "Though now that you mention it, that is pretty weird."

"I'll bet his parents were killed in a freak recycling accident.  They were probably crushed along with some cans." suggested Sam.

"Huh?"

"See, it would give him a reason to want to pollute everywhere, as well as explaining why he never mentions it.  The trauma is simply too great." said Sam.

"That's kind of depressing." said Bob, as they approached the bakery door.  "These conversations are ruining my childhood memories."

With his head turned to speak to the other two, he didn't notice a man standing in front of him, who he bumped into.

"Sorry.  I didn't see you there." said Bob.

"Oh, it's perfectly alright.  I am in the details, you know." said the man, adjusting his tie.  He was dressed in a business suit.  He was a man clean-shaven aside from his goatee, and would look like a normal businessman if it were not for the somewhat large pair of horns growing out of the top of his head.

"Oh, how rude of me!  Allow this mysterious stranger to introduce himself." said the man.  "They call me Composite Devil Man, and I've been wanting to meet you all for quite a while."

"Hey, I've heard of you!" said Mike.  "You're one of those lame supervillains like that Procrastinator guy."

"I believe the other two of them are known as Bob and Sam, whatever your full names may be.  You would be the one they call Tuxedo Mike?" said the Composite Devil Man.

"Only on weekends, actually.  Costs a fortune to rent the tuxedo."

"You rent the magic tuxedo, the source of all your powers?" asked Sam.

"I don't actually have any powers.  I let schoolgirls do all the fighting for me.  I just have to look cool, and occasionally throw roses at people." explained Mike.

"Hold on a second, do you actually know anything about this guy?" asked Bob.

"Well, I've never fought Composite Devil Man before, so I can't say anything for sure.  Isn't your gimmick something about thinking you're the devil?"

"A common misconception, Mikey-boy.", answered Composite Devil Man.  "I am not the devil.  Rather, I am EVERY devil, with all the powers that entails.  As well as the knowledge."

"So you had a fiddle contest in Georgia, and lost?" said Bob.

"Oh, that song.  Everyone asks me that, these days.  I'll bet you never heard it before it was in Guitar Hero."

"Well, is it true?  You lost to some random guy who happened to play an instrument well?"

"I never lose!", answered the Composite Devil, seeming insulted at the very thought.  "Not then, not ever.  I claimed victory over him a few years later, as his pride upon defeating me grew so great as to be sinful.  There was no need for a contract to steal his soul."

"So if you're so great, why stand outside a bakery waiting for us to come along?" said Mike.

"Yeah, we didn't even go here until what happened last week.  You'd have looked pretty stupid waiting out here if you decided to come looking for us before the Procrastinator turned out to be a regular there.  I mean, best doughnuts in town?  Not worth having to fight a super villain, even a really easily avoided one." said Sam.

"Oh, but there was no reason for me to speak to you or your group until you defeated him, Sammy-boy.  You see, no matter how ineffectual he was, he was still the most influential villain who lives in this town."

"I've seen basically the entire Nega-kingdom-verse, or whatever they're calling themselves this week.  I have to say, they're a bit more dangerous."

"They're not from this world, though.", said Composite Devil Man.  "On the other hand, I've been a resident of this Earth for many a year."

"I guess you were even here before they renamed it Wars World, huh?  Which would explain away why Kanbei is often wandering around town, because we must therefore live in Yellow Comet." said Sam.

"Quiet, Sam, we're speaking to the composite Devil Man here.  Stop trying to retcon things that make no sense." said Bob.  "So why are you here?"

"Well, Bobby-boy, I am here to collect on some of my deals.", came the reply.  "Also, that nickname doesn't work, so I won't call you that again."

"I was going to say that those sounded kind of stupid, but I suppose adding -boy to the end of our names is slightly less annoying than people who add Japanese honorifics to the end of names.  Calling me Mike-chan would sound even weirder." said Mike.

"Don't worry, it's only Composite Shonen Protagonist who does things like that.  You should recognise him, he's just Goku as a ninja, pirate, samurai and whatever else they want to try this month.  Oh, I totally went there, Shonen Jump." said Bob.

"Wait, what deals?" asked Sam.

"Ah, the deals you all made with me." said the Composite Devil Man, smiling.

"I think we'd remember making deals with you." said Mike.

"Didn't I tell you?  I'm every devil.  Including one person calling himself, for instance, Lucifer667.  Who I believe you were trying to buy some Sailor Moon DVDs from on a certain online auction site?"

"They were, uh, for a friend.  Who definitely isn't me." said Mike.  "But those DVDs, which I totally wasn't trying to get so I could watch them myself, never arrived.  Paid for them a couple of weeks ago."

"Well, you did pay for them, so I brought them here directly." said Composite Devil Man, handing over a gift-wrapped box.

"Uh, thanks.  My, uh, cousin will definitely enjoy these." said Mike, taking the box.  "Because I'm definitely not a fan of the adventures of Usagi Tsukino and her friends."

"Mike, you're basically Tuxedo Mask.  You may as well just stop pretending you don't like watching shows about magical girls." said Bob.

"As you can see, I have the combined intelligence of every devil, or person known as the devil."

"Which means you have basically the intelligence of everyone on the internet." said Bob.

"We can't underestimate him even if he is that stupid." added Mike.

"Sadly, lots of them are rather useless.  Have some sympathy for me." said Composite Devil Man.

Sam asked, "Got anything for me?  I think I ordered some stuff that never arrived."

"Well, I have some eternal damnation to spare.  Want any of that?" said Composite Devil Man.

"Nah, I'm good for that."

"Well, as a matter of fact, that's exactly what I came to give Bob."

"Huh?" said Bob.

"You see, you joined a guild ran by one of my many components, on a certain online game.  By the rules of that guild, all of your possessions are now rightfully mine.  Including your immortal soul." said Composite Devil Man.  "Now you must be my minion for all eternity.  Or until my hell freezes over, whichever comes last."

"Well, that sucks." said Bob.

You didn't read Neo Variety Hour, so they killed me.  But even death can not stop my awful, awful posts.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

hehe tongue

Not many people know this, but I own the first radio in Springfield. Not much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A" he'd say; then "B." "C" would usually follow...

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

technically AMD, you have at least two fans, me and Aro, whose "hehe" i will assume was for both of us; you can have the tongue smile

sailor moon was hot in her day, you know.

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

These are funneh as hell, I should have come here earlier.

Can somebody remind me how to find my Lotr parody off the archived web? I don't wanna start all over...

The core joke of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is that of course no civilization would develop personal computers with instant remote database recovery, and then waste this technology to find good drinks.
Steve Jobs has ruined this joke.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

Eltie, is that you?!?!

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

This forum is so dead.

Part Ten: This Stuff is Pretty Boring, so bare with us



    A building in California with a sign warning anyone to tell the authorities of missing persons, large sugar thefts, and unsolved murders.  Inside a man hands a woman at a desk a letter about

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

that is way to much jibberish to read, someone summarize for me

Kadaj

Death is not to be mourned
It's meant to be savored

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23 Reply by [RPA] Arocalex (edited by [RPA] Arocalex 15-Oct-2008 09:26:14)

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

funneh...sortof....sometimes

Not many people know this, but I own the first radio in Springfield. Not much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. "A" he'd say; then "B." "C" would usually follow...

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

It get's better, this is the first movie I did.  I did another one and then started a third before the forum died.  I'm reposting all my old work before I start on new chapters again.

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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Re: Neo Variety Hour

Here's the last part of Them!  I'm also working on something new in addition to this, and I'm hoping it get's better recieved.

Part Thirteen: Yay, Rush Limbaugh

"They are calling to us, can you hear them?... It's beautiful," Lieutenant Nathan Hale.

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