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Topic: Joke...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

My name is Sam Fisher
I used to be a hero - now I'm a wanted man.
I used to hunt terrorists - now I am one.
I used to take orders - now I execute them.
I've become, a Double Agent!

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Re: Joke...

haha nice.  i didn't expect that

Got a few bucks?  The Imperial Tip Jar is accepting contributions!

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Re: Joke...

lol

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Re: Joke...

rofl

*waits for the women to arrive to this thread*

~ You All Tsuck!
~ You All Tsuck!
~ You All Tsuck!
~ You All Tsuck! 

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Re: Joke...

Do you think they stopped at the part it tells them to stop haha


glad ya like it big_smile i nearly fell off chair when i read it hmm

My name is Sam Fisher
I used to be a hero - now I'm a wanted man.
I used to hunt terrorists - now I am one.
I used to take orders - now I execute them.
I've become, a Double Agent!

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Re: Joke...

heh nice one

reallybig was here

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Re: Joke...

back from page 23, rambaldi makes a funny

Insane Lemming of Drama Queens and Other Hyperbolical People

1431 ftw

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8 Reply by gorden133 (edited by gorden133 06-Nov-2008 20:21:23)

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Re: Joke...

that a good one ive got another one from south park
question. why are womans feet so small























answer. because they get squashed from when they stand next to the sink
and one from family guy
question.why do wimen have boobs



















answer. so you have some thing to look at when you talk to them cool

cool mad yikes big_smile X( wink sad smile tongue tongue i like smilies tongue tongue smile sad wink X( big_smile yikes mad cool woot

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Re: Joke...

kids.

♥ SEXY RA ♥

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  • Ouro
  • Ouro
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Re: Joke...

the boobs joke is from family guy

> Justinian I wrote:
> Ouro,
Even though you were the first one to arrive at the scene who clearly pwned Einstein and showed how biased he is, you are an outright arsehole.

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Re: Joke...

i forget to write that

cool mad yikes big_smile X( wink sad smile tongue tongue i like smilies tongue tongue smile sad wink X( big_smile yikes mad cool woot

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Re: Joke...

why the bump?

<KT|Away> I am the Trump of IC

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Re: Joke...

Rambaldi that was funniest thing i read in ages i almost fell off my chair wink big_smile:D:D

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Re: Joke...

cool...

where you been for the last 8 months  lol

My name is Sam Fisher
I used to be a hero - now I'm a wanted man.
I used to hunt terrorists - now I am one.
I used to take orders - now I execute them.
I've become, a Double Agent!

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Re: Joke...

i got a few...

im backkk smile

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Re: Joke...

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.
Then she followed the instructions to the letter:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.
She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.
The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.
It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

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Re: Joke...

The Seven Dwarfs

The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack. "Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background the dwarfs started giggling. Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them. Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare. Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

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Re: Joke...

Male and Female Prayers
Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen

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Re: Joke...

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

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Re: Joke...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

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Re: Joke...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and, because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says.....




"Make'em all ugly again".

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Re: Joke...

Three Mice
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.
The Texas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the California mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The California mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Texas mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the New Jersey mouse. The New Jersey mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this BS". Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

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Re: Joke...

The defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot issensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

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Re: Joke...

Firm up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

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Re: Joke...

Banker Joke

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."
The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?," he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable," said the president.
"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

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