MEGA MORON AWARDS

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stolethe bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (Thatis, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so hedidn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counterand asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the manpulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which theclerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he gotfrom the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you andgives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided thathe'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab somebooze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over hishead at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-bethief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor storewindow was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught onvideotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbedher purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman wasable to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Withinminutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in thecar and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of thecar and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,"Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walkedinto a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun anddemanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn'topen the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onionrings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by runninga chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Insteadof pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled thebumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper stillattached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate stillattached to the bumper.

Saddam Hussein's stockpile isdeadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfurfrom his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known asLos Angeles.

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip schoolpolice cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police atelementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols willcarry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did notknow the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose andremind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees.Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as anew feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighterbound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in aparticularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape oftwo girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense,which states that together they were 29.

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator.In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe whatshe would do to lose them.

The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeralseating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferentialtreatment for immediate family members, followed by friends andrelatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops ininner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup ofcoffee.

Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now sayshe's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says hewants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien)

A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positivefor marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboardingwas invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where heput his other ski.

More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded agold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearlybeaten by Moose and Squirrel.

Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has noroom, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here inAmerica we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time toanti drug messages. For example, they should come on during yourfavorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead endstreet... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and DonJohnson. (Maher)

Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying thethree phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.

Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwearspontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerkended up with cherries jubilee.

And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understandwhy we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)

cause they are too stoned!!!!

so have i... i have done it!!! lol....

then you weren't stoned enough

lol.... nice!!!!