i don't get it...

***UD is HAMMERED***

Three lepers are playing cards. One puts down two Jacks, another then puts down three, and the last puts his hand in.

he Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

hummz, im assuming theres a woman on hand for those special purposes. all men know fat girls give the best blow jobs, and you dont necessarily want to have sex with any of them

So true about the fat chix and blowjobs... they are best at it cause they got to compensate for something...

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the
best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be
entitled to dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with
the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest
and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave
him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest
meanest dog the world had ever seen. It's cage needed steel bars that
were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came
for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange looking
animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were
opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over
towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of
it's cage and charged the American Dachshund. But, when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth
and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at
all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking
their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have
happened. We had our best people working for five years with the
meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the
biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "Da's nothin", said T-Cat, the
Cajun, representing the Americans. "We had our bess plastic surgins
workin' fo' five year to make a alligator look like a weenie dog."

---------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate
to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you
talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each
other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and
tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who
explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she
shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and
screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a
single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"
and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own
fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

hoorah for the first double post!

Nolio is smart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUc62jD-G0o&feature=related

It was the final examination for a Calculus course at the University Of Minnesota. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 600 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet." "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Just about half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" he said. "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.